Regardless of the hours spent on the therapist's couch and the small fortune that could have been devoted to fabulous shoes, there are still events that send me into a tailspin of anxiety. I often wonder if people can see through this. I wonder if I have become such a good actress that only my husband and sister can see through the veneer of a smile and hasty chuckle to realize that on the inside, my heart is thumping out of control and I am literally drowning in my own sweat.
For years, I hid behind my strict upbringing. Now that I have children, I hide behind motherhood. But I often wonder what I would be like if I just let that blanket go. And in some ways, I am. In small steps, I have started to try new things, take up new interests. I am putting myself out there. Like a newborn colt, I am testing out my legs.
For the most part, the insecurity panic attacks have subsided. But every once in a while, I wonder. What do people really think of me? Why is it that I can see the best in everyone, but fail to recognize it when I look in the mirror? Why can't I shut up the voice inside my head that tells me I am not good enough, once and for all?
I wonder when the version of me everyone sees will become who I am, inside and out.
When will this Linus finally outgrow that infamous blanket?
As a fellow Nervous Nellie, I can relate. If you shed that blanket, can you send it my way? I need another for my collection. xo
ReplyDeleteMy mother often tells me (because apparently I don't have a very good memory and need to be retold things like this) that it's none of my business what anyone thinks of me.
ReplyDeleteAnother person told me, "If you realize how rarely other people think "about you", you wouldn't worry so much what it was they thought." It wasn't an insult, but a reality check. Someone in this world may spend a few moments thinking negatively about you... true. Don't miss out on YOUR LIFE by trying to avoid those few moments of negative opinion that will likely never see the light of day. And again... it's none of your business what other people think of you.
Maria, I am a first-time visitor to your site from Cleveland. I saw a comment you made on JennyMac's site and decided to click-through.
ReplyDeleteIn some ways, you're already out from behind the blanket - although it may not feel that way now.
And trust me, don't ever worry about or wonder for a second what others think. Particularly when it comes to you and your family, you need to do what's best.