Bring...

Sunscreen, towels, chairs and gossip rags.

Toys, food, drinks, umbrella and kids.

Sunny days, rainy afternoons, hazy laziness.

Hoping the calendar brings summer soon...

Five for Five: Age

I heading towards the big 4-0 in a little over a year.  I know I should not be too worried.  Forty is the new thirty.  I have over a year to get over it.  I understand all of that.  Really, I do.

But I have a son who is going to start middle school in the fall.  I have a son who will begin Kindergarten in the fall.  I can't be young and have a middle school-er, can I?  I mean, do you remember what your parents and your friends' parents seemed like when you were twelve?  I'll say it for you: ANCIENT.

Somehow, the idea of a middle school aged kid and a Kindergartener shouldn't go together.  I mean, they are both monumental milestones.  Forty: a monumental milestone.  I am a little freaked out.  

Really. 

And I kind of feel sorry for my husband.  

Can you imagine what things are going to be like?  Mommy is turning forty and running from a midlife crisis in sensible (read: old lady) shoes while her baby is starting school for real and her oldest is going through pre-teen, emotional, pre-adolescent bullshit. 

Yeah.  Life will be grand.  Please note that this statement is oozing in sarcasm.

So I have done what any sensible woman would do (besides wonder how the hell I got to here).  I booked a cruise.

I know what many of you who have followed my blog for a while and remember last year's ill-planned cruise are thinking.  But I was smart this time.

I know no one in my household will be making a major religious sacrament.

I know that everyone will have testing in April. 

I know when the last day of school is in 2013 (no eye rolling, please.)

I made sure we leave two days AFTER the last day, making it virtually impossible to screw this up.

Except that we won't be celebrating my fortieth on the ship, because my big day is the day before.

Nor will we be celebrating my husband's fortieth (as he is quick to point out, I am eleven days older), because we get back before his big day.

And I'm okay with that.  I want to be in the comfort of my own home, frantically packing for five when it hits. 

I wonder if it will hurt.

I guess my biggest problem is that my mind cannot accept this.  I don't feel older than 25, at most. And maybe there is the crux of the issue.  In my head, I am 25.  My body says otherwise if I carry too many groceries at one time or I try to scoop my sleeping five year old to bed.  My body screams: NO!!  You are not 25.  You are there.  Where you thought you would never be.  You are arriving at middle age.  Shit.

It took me most of my life to finally be comfortable in my own skin.  I have a better clue of what I am doing now in most areas of my life.  I can live in my own head now; the noise has considerably gotten quieter.   I have finally found the courage to be the person I thought I could be.  I have challenged myself physically (6 half marathons in a year, yo!).  I have pushed myself to do the impossible (have you tried to keep three boys clean, groomed, fed and entertained while holding down a full time job?) and still manage to want to try new things (like assisted handstands in yoga or getting up each morning and doing it all again).

How can it be that the calendar says what it says?

I suppose that it is the amount of milestones that we will be celebrating in early June 2013 that has me grasping.  A son finishing his first year of middle school and inching towards 13.  A middle son ready to start his last year of elementary school.  A baby boy finishing his Kindergarten year.  Mom AND Dad reaching middle age.

Any of these, by themselves, are enough to have you reeling, even just a teensy bit.  If broken up into chewable pieces, you can savor each one separately, brace yourself for the next one.  But all of them simultaneously is a lot to get used to in a short amount of time.

This passage of time is relentless.  You don't get to just stop at your favorite part and linger for a while.  It goes by FAST and furious.  Good and bad.  All of it.  The photographs chronicle.  Looking back, it seems like 5 minutes ago.  And that's the cruelty.  There is no time to lament.  Enjoy it NOW.  Or it will seem so five minutes ago, but really be five years ago in the blink of an eye.

And, really, that's all age is.  Time.  Time your ticker has been ticking.  What you have done with the time you have been allotted.  What you have done with the body you were assigned.  What you are going to do to make up for the things you wish you had done differently. 

Age means that you know the difference.  You have the wisdom to discern, to change tactics, and make it okay.

In the end, the extra little lines that make their debut slowly on your face, you've earned.  I would rather have earned them smiling, laughing my ass off (if ONLY that were true!), and etch them deeper in my face by continuing to live on my terms.

I mean, 40 is 30 with ten years experience, right?

Peace within...

The one thing we long for,

we must have to give freely.

It's forms: intricately designed and distinct.

It descends in moments of despair,

enveloping you, lifting you, sustaining you.

It permeates in moments of joy,

deepening the moment; strengthening faith, hope.

How often have prayed for it:

how quickly it has been granted.

It has been my armor, strength

in all that I have endured.

In the moments of quiet meditation

I pray that I can be

an instrument of peace to those

who look for strength, hope, sustenance;

and that the peace I find within

is always there, given freely, abundantly.

Have peace?  Check out Melissa and Six Word Fridays.

Kind of odd query...

What kind of person am I?

A person who accommodates others incessantly?

Or is an agonizing push over?

A person who is eternally optimistic?

Or one who masks her sadness?

A person who can overcome anything,

but feels so ridiculously overwhelmed lately?

Maybe I am a kind of challenge,

one who is, who can be...

A labyrinth of ideas, of potential,

full of flaws, motivated to change.

A person conflicted, but somehow fulfilled.

And is kind of at peace

with being at odds with myself.

In the end, aren't we all

kind of a juxtaposition of ideas?

Aren't we more beguiling that way?

Kind of confused?  What kind?  Are you kind?  Visit Melissa at Making Things Up and find out more about Six Word Fridays!

Joy: Summer Edition

Sunny days are almost here again.

No schedule to keep us hostage.

No shoes, no watch, no worries.

Just add water, sun , three boys.

Joy is just around the corner.

What brings you joy?  Want to share?  Visit Melissa at Making Things Up for more on Six Word Fridays!

Drowning...

The past few weeks have come with their own set of issues and challenges. Between frantically teaching material before our state mandated exam and ending of the grading period, I am tired. Add renewing my national certification, my middle son's communion in the next three weeks, a family cruise (YAY!) and two birthdays and I am wiped.

Plus, I stepped on a scale the other day and nearly died. Not happy folks. So not happy that I rejoined Weight Watchers and I am now having to relearn all the points for my favorite stuff.

But what has me the most unhappy is the loss of my beloved Thai Red Curry Chicken. I am so sad. Do you have any idea how many points the amount of yummy Red Curry Chicken makes my heart sing? It would take DOZENS of consecutive half marathons to undo that damage...(sigh)

So, in many ways I am drowning. There are not enough days in the week. There are not enough hours in the day.

The only thing that is helping me get up out of bed without sobbing and downing serious amounts of pharmaceuticals is the idea that in a mere ten days, I will be surrounded by Disney magic.

On a ship.

With all my guys.

In the open waters of the Atlantic.

And if it gets too bad, I can always jump overboard.

Into a vat of luscious Thai Red Curry Chicken!

Random thoughts at 4:30 a.m.

Why did I decide to wear a skimpy yoga top and these really old biker shorts?

Please, right leg. Don't complain. Don't cramp. Just run.

Why did I decide to train for this half?

Don't those stars look bright this morning?

CAR!

The extra ten seconds of running seemed like a better idea when we weren't running.

I need to get Susan's birthday present today.

Need to get the ingredients for flan.

When am I going to have time to make flan today?

Full moon. No wonder the kids did terrible on their assignments yesterday.

I can't believe my leg isn't bothering me!

I wonder why the HOA decided that palm trees and snowflakes went together.

I need to finish putting away laundry.

I need to pick up for the cleaning ladies tomorrow.

I love my cleaning ladies.

The clouds look like cotton candy against black velvet.

I wonder what happened to my velvet overalls.

I wonder what possessed me to buy velvet overalls.

Boy, I am glad that I wore this top and shorts.

I wonder what I should wear to work.

I need to take out the trash.

I am so happy that Thanksgiving is this week.

I can't believe I am doing a 5K on Thanksgiving morning.

I need to go Christmas shopping. Ugh.

Oh my goodness! My inner thighs aren't rubbing together!

There is nothing better than this.

Welcoming Fall with open arms...

Over the last couple of mornings, there has been a slight chill to the air as I hustle with my sons to get to work on time, or when my neighbor and I meet to go for our four mile runs at 4 am. Please don't misunderstand. Fall in South Florida does not really qualify as Fall anywhere else. For Floridians, any drop in humidity automatically signals Fall.

Last year, my husband took me to Boston in September. I had never been to Boston, and immediately fell in love with the city and the scenery. The leaves, the hustle and bustle, the buildings, the history. I could have stayed there forever.

This morning, as I walked out to the car, the sky was the crispest blue I had seen in a while. The lines of the trees stood in contrast; so sharp against that perfect sky. It reminded me of ten years ago, as I waited for the birth of my first born. As those beautifully sky-ed days became more frequent, they never lost their magic. Every fall, I think back to those days of endless anticipation and beautiful skies, and my heart is full.

Fall has forever been one of my most favorite seasons. Although we don't get much of a change in seasons down here, that lack of humidity and ensuing "chill" signal a time of harvest. A time of thanksgiving. Of gathering close to the ones you love, creating new memories; reliving old ones.

On the mornings that I run, I love looking out at the twilight sky as we get home. The beautiful colors of fall on the giant canvas of the sky. Everything is right in the world when you look at that beauty first thing in the morning, lungs full of fresh air, heart pumping new life within you.

Unplugged

So much to do, so little time to do it!

Washing, folding, packing, repacking, piling stuff in the car.

National Lampoon's got nothing on us.

The guys and I will be on the road for a much need vacation this week. We are visiting the nation's capital, the national museums and then heading for the mountains for a few days to reconnect with our beloved Aunt Susan and Uncle Billy.

So, I will be unplugged: taking in the marvel of Washington, D.C. and the majesty of the mountains of North Carolina.

I promise to post pictures and commentary about our adventures on the road!

See you all in August!